I was lonely last night as my head hit the pillow. At first I didn’t know what it was- this agitated sort of feeling- but I got curious about it. “This is lonely,” I said to myself, feeling more like an anthropologist than anything else. “Where do you feel it in your body?” I whispered aloud. I put my hand on my heart where I felt the ache. “This is lonely,” I said to myself again. “What’s it like?” And I felt that it was a longing for connection, for touch, to be held. It was an ache for love. And it wasn’t scary to simply feel it- it just was what it was – an ache for love. (By the way, my computer just auto-corrected that last line and said, “It was an egg for love” which made me smile)
Then I imagined my future beloved right there with me. I held his face before mine and tried to see him, squinted my eyes in the dark to see what he looked like. “When are you coming?” I asked him and an answer popped into my mind. “How will you find me?” I asked the dark. And a friend (someone I only see occasionally) came to mind. Then I wondered if I made it up or if it was my intuition speaking. I will keep you posted.
I remember reading a story about how the writer Roger Housden met his wife. She came to him first in a dream- one that felt like a visitation- her face over him like an angel. And then when he met her many months later – it was that woman, that same face, and he knew she was real.
Once, many years ago, I was having a really hard season. I had just been laid off from a job I loved and had started my jewelry business. Problem was, there weren’t a whole lot of sales yet and there was everything and nothing to do. I spent entire days by myself in a big Victorian house in San Francisco, working in an attic and feeling lonely. Just me and a cat named Enki. I cried to a friend one morning who stopped me mid-conversation, “You need to do a mitzvah today! You need to get out of your own head. Is there anywhere you can volunteer?”
I had been volunteering for years at a place called Creativity Explored – an art center for adults with developmental disabilities- so I immediately hung up the phone and raced over there. One of the things I loved about that place was that there was never any preamble or formalities. You didn’t have to explain yourself, you just dove right into what was happening in the moment. It was indeed the perfect way to step out of my own little mental drama.
I sat next to my dear friend Michael Bernard Loggins while he drew and we did our usual routine: “Okay, Andrea. Ask me questions and then write down what I say. Then I want you to read them back to me.” We both loved this.
Without me saying anything about myself though, he paused, looked me in the eyes and said, “Andrea, you’re not alone. Allura makes jewelry too.” He pointed to one of the other artists in the room- a soft-spoken woman in a wheelchair making day-glo bracelets. “If you’re both making jewelry then you’re not alone!”
Then he smiled, satisfied with himself, and continued to draw. I was stunned, forever changed by that moment of grace.
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This is so good, Andrea. I love this kind of writing. It’s deep, true, and the kind of storytelling that connects us all. Thank you for sharing it.
With Love and Gratitude,
Briana
Grace happens. Love this!
love all of this. sending vibes of peace and contentment.
I just love this. I have been feeling a pull to be around people more, to seek out community and help others when I most feel lonely and in need of help myself. Lifelong introvert me is starting to feel a pull to be around people, more and more. Isn’t it funny how life changes us into people we never thought? *hugs* in the loneliness. I hope you see your intuition pan out.
This is beautiful Andrea <3 <3
(My sweetie dreamed me before we met too.)
Such a beautiful story and exactly what I needed to hear this morning. Thank you!
What a gift, this way of thinking about connectedness.
Awesome. And I never use that word.
Mwah!
Your word for working through your egg, attention, is exactly what you’re doing. Paying close attention. I think lonely is part of the process of reblooming and change. These words to be manifested are so powerful. Mine is delight. Yesterday someone told me I provide the space for warm get togethers. I invite people over, invite them to bring the food and provide a place to sit and enjoy each other. I don’t do much. I do delight in filling my home with the energy they bring. I imagine the walls plastered with them. I’m reframing this word as I write. Thanks Andrea for all you’ve made possible in my life.
Andrea, I read your blog for years when you were really actually just getting started with, but fell away quite some time ago. Reading your post reminds me why I loved it so much! I need to go back through your archives and catch up! (But not in a creepy way, I mean it….)
What a lovely post!!! I, too, need a ‘mitzvah’. Between jobs with WAY too much time on my hands which leaves the door open for ‘you suck’ to creep in. “Egg” for love made me smile, too. Really big!!
PS: Your friend, Mr. Loggins, simply ROCKS!!! 🙂
<3
Ahhhhh-
THOSE times & moments. Yes!
Hold on Andrea.
That which you seek is also seeking you. I love the picture of the two of you 🙂
Thank you so much for your words, writing & willingness to share-
Loved this, A. Ah, loneliness….eggs and gems.
All I can say is I just read this and now I have the biggest smile on my face. Yes Andrea, you are not alone!!!! And I just love that Michael was able to point that out to you so simply and so sincerely. Thank you for sharing this beautiful story.
I spent a long time not giving attention to the egg of my feelings. I ate instead, or drank coffee, or scrolled through facebook. This does not work as well as one would hope.
I started paying attention, learning again (and again! and again!) how to sit, and feel, and breathe. Well, granted, I had the sitting down pretty well.
Just yesterday morning, my mindfulness instructor (facilitator? She leads a community mindfulness group, and runs MBSR classes) talked through how feeling her feelings works for her – how it starts with awareness, and acceptance, and inquiry. No coffee or turning on devices involved.
Thank you for sharing this. Eggs are full of potential.
Ahhh. Yes.
The beauty of asking – of being – of awareness
Thank you, Andrea. Inspiring – and helping me put words to my own experience of love and loneliness. Feeling like I am swimming in emotion today. This post helped me cry. Grateful.
thank you! beautiful post.
I love the story about your friend Michael. Without wanting to make broad claims about people with disabilities, I have noticed that people whose heads are, for whatever reason, less cluttered with work, logistics, etc., can sometimes show extraordinary empathy/perception, verging on the magical. I’ve been on the receiving end a few times, myself, and each time is a moment I’ll treasure forever.
I send you big deep hugs scented with lavender,light and hope ~ you know this loneliness is only temporary~ how brave of you to experience it! How beautifully wonderfully brave of you to share… the emotions and feelings that are painful…it is “eggzactly” what some of us need to hear…xxxooo